My very first, very loose qualitative weight loss goal was for someone else to notice. The last week has truly delivered. First, my grocer, who hadn't seen me in a few weeks, asked me if I had lost weight. This morning, my boyfriend remarked that I had lost weight (and I see him every day!). I was starting to wonder if this whole calorie-restriction thing was even working out. Having both a stranger and my closest friend recognise the fruits of my efforts makes it feel all worthwhile.
I'm dreading my clinical class next week. We have to take anthropomophic measurements of each other, including BMI and waist circumference. Leaving aside the fact I recently published my measurements for the whole world to see, I'm not so happy about people I know and study with having a quantitative measure of my fatness. The otherwise arbitrary numbers carry so much shame: it is an unarguable, concrete representation of my overeating and all the laziness, gluttony and self-disrespect this implies. Personally, I don't subscribe to this notion of fatness. Although the cause is very simple at the surface (food in > energy out), there are so many nebulous factors that essentially make this equation irrelevant. WHY do I eat so much? And why is it so terribly difficult not to? Why is it that I reach for the ice cream when I'm upset, while other people turn to their friends for support or go for a run or just study more? And why on Earth does it all feel completely insurmountable sometimes?
I don't know the answer, but I do know that calorie counting and a moderate dose of meal planning seems to be working for me. Frankly, I don't have the time to sit around and chew the fat (ha) about my childhood and any emotional pre-disposing factors. I'm taking a bit of a shortcut instead. Rather than think about my overeating as a pathological, psychologically-mediated response to stress or grief or whatever, I decided to approach it as a bad habit. The best way to get rid of a habit? Create a new one using repetition, automation and sheer force.
1. Plan all meals for the week and write them down. This includes breakfast, even if you eat the same thing every day. Ensure the meals are nutritionally balanced and don't exceed the calorie allowance.
2. Shop for ingredients for above-mentioned meals. Don't go while hungry. Every second website and magazine I read about weight loss mentions this, to the point I roll my eyes every time I see it. But holy mothballs, it's true. Much easier to avoid the confectionary aisle when your empty stomach isn't screaming at you for a quick hit of glucose.
3. Eat those meals. Nothing less and nothing more.
Simple. And I feel like it's getting easier. I no longer have to leave my cash at home so I don't stop in for an unscheduled candy stop on the way home from school. I'm not worried about binge eating while my boyfriend is out of the house. Well, that's not true - I'm obviously concerned to avoid doing this, but I am not crippled by the overwhelming fear of food I have had in the past. Not so long ago, a weekend binge was just a foregone conclusion. I have managed to avoid binges on a few occasions now, and it has given me the confidence to feel as though I can say No again.
Other than this, school continues on nicely enough. I love medicine. I have a very clear image of myself, in size 6-8 professional clothes, fit and content, comfortably walking the ward rounds without worrying about being the 'fat doctor'. This mental picture keeps me going, to be honest.
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